The Fake Ones

The true hypocrite is the one who ceases to perceive his deception, the one who lies with sincerity
Andre Gide 

Fake people are a pain in the ass. To go through all the motions of fakin’ the funk is such a colossal waste of time & energy–why do it at all? Fundamentally, I think some people are this way because of some unreconciled anxiety, fear, denial or monstrous delusion. Thankfully, many of us have Bullshit Detectors that can discern real folk from fake-ass gumps. (Wouldn’t it be great if we could side-step social mores & back-slap the shit out of the plastic-smilin’ poseurs?) There are fakes around every corner, so here’s my shortlist of how to spot ’em:

(1) The fake ones hate your success–Watch their body language when you report on some good news that benefited you.

(2) If they smile a bit too wide or laugh a little too hard, be cautious.  Of course, it’s possible that they may be showing the world how good they think they look when they smile (maybe their teeth just got cleaned) or they’re flirting with the person behind you.  

(3) If they appear to display a subtle, malicious joy in your misery–like if you lost your job–realize that they may find comfort in thinking that they may be doing relatively better than you financially & feel somewhat above you.

(4) If you notice a pattern of folks always coming around when they want something or when they get into a jam, it’s likely that you’re being used. The minute they’re back on their feet, you probably won’t hear from them in a while…What gets to me about folks like this is they often lack gratitude.

(5) If they’re always complaining/gossiping about something/someone, chances are they’re just seeking an echo chamber for their miserable lives. If you find yourself mirroring their repulsive behavior by gossiping/complaining more when around them, you need to check yourself & hold your peace. 

(6) If they encourage you to do dumb shit – perhaps with the intention of talking about you behind your back – chances are they don’t have your best interests in mind.

(7) If you discover that what you told Person X in private somehow boomerangs and slaps you upside the head a few months later when someone you rarely speak to repeats what you had stated, then Person X needs to be dismissed.

(8) Observe how people look at other people they know when they’re not looking –  the truth is in the eyes. How many of us have caught people at sporting events, meetings, etc cold-staring at a person sitting close to them, but when that person turned around to speak to them, the gaze shifted lightning-quick to one of acceptance & friendliness? The acting is Oscar-worthy.

(9)  If folks don’t honor their word & offer no apology, your best bet is to hold them at a distance as you’re being taken for granted.

(10) Fake ones oftentimes contradict themselves trying to please the whole damn world.  In their quest to be liked/valued/included, they talk out their ass. Like many (not all) politicians, they have no redeeming qualities. 

(11) Fake ones are always trying to keep up with the Joneses like their life depended on it. Even if they don’t have shit, they will act like they do just to give a ‘good impression’. 

(12) If you’re speaking to someone & he/she is staring at you with a glazed-over look, either he/she is not listening (maybe you’re boring to them) or they’re thinking of the next clever thing to say. It’s highly probable that your opinion is being ignored. 

These are just a few observations I culled from my own experiences–I am sure there are many more tell-tale signs of detecting the fake ones , but the bottom-line is to never let your guard down & risk becoming fake yourself. Speak your truth as clearly & honestly as you can, and if you find that difficult to do, simply hold your peace.



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